Cover band names

Every once in a while you hear a phrase and think, "That would be a good band name." These are my current favourites:

  1. No Visible Cow
  2. Flying with Cats
  3. Angry Hatstand
  4. Unexploded Balm
  5. Decaf Piranha
  6. Teacup Hierarchy
  7. Grumpy Old Queen
  8. Suddenly Ducks
  9. The Vindaloo Fiasco
  10. Gremlins Ate My Towel

What’s in a title?

Riffing off the sci-fi novel "Bowl of Heaven" with Husband, I was sad to find out the second book in the series was not "Spoon of Heaven," or "Weetabix of Heaven," because it would fit perfectly. We came up with some other novel titles that could be tweaked:

  • Rendezvous with Breakfast
  • Bun Diver
  • Revelation Spork

George R. R. Martin gets his own section:

  • The Song of Fire and Ice Cream
  • A Game of Toasts
  • A Clash of Crumpets
  • A Storm of Soup
  • A Feast for Croissants
  • A Dance with Donuts
  • The Winds of Wintergreen (forthcoming)
  • A Dream of Spring Rolls (forthcoming)

Then there’s the Jim Butcher section (I skipped some titles):

  • Storm Fridge
  • Full Moon Pie
  • Blood Pudding Rites
  • White Chocolate Night
  • Turnover Coat

What NOT to say to your QA

It’s a feature, not a bug.
But why would you even do that?
QAs are just failed developers.
My code is perfect, I don’t write bugs.
You’re not supposed to do that in the app.
It’s a design error, not a bug.
I’m not fixing that.
Why are you worried about that? No one ever does THAT…
QAs aren’t technical, they don’t need to attend to that meeting.
You’re testing it wrong.
This doesn’t concern QA.
Get me on %MANAGER%’s calendar for tomorrow afternoon.
It works on MY machine, so it’s fine.
Load testing is for developers to do, not QAs.
We turned off all the tests.
The user will never be able to do that, so it’s an invalid test.
It’ll be fine in production.
You’re using invalid data, that’s why you think it’s a bug.
This way is better.
You need to take notes in the meeting for everyone.
QA can do that admin task, they’re not doing anything worthwhile.
Where are the batteries kept?
This has to be tested by developers, not QA
Can you hurry up? We have a deadline.
I thought you were a nice person.
So when will you be DONE?

(Some mine, others collected from Asynchrony QAs Slack channel.)

Your software project might have a QA if…

Some of these are mine, some I lifted from the company Slack channel for Quality Advocacy.

  • You’re used to finding Cyrillic or Greek or Mandarin in the database
  • There’s code in place to stop you copying War and Peace into the app multiple times
  • You know how the system reacts with 10 users, or 50, or 500, or 5000
  • Your developers know what happened in Europe between 4th and 15th October 1582
  • You have client-side and server-side data validation
  • This conversation: "But why would you even do that?" "Because there was nothing to stop me."
  • You know when Daylight Savings Time starts in Australia
  • Names and addresses make you nervous
  • Your app looks stunning with the colors reversed
  • You know how to close your h3 tags
  • You fear what will happen to everything run by computers in January of 2038
  • Your app survives a genuine DDoS attack in production and everyone shrugs because "she’s done worse to us in dev."

Sh*t my QA says

There is a bug, I just haven’t found it yet.
Well, it’s broken on my machine!
In the Danish version of Windows, if you click really fast, the app just crashes.
It doesn’t work when I put Cyrillic text in. Or Greek, Hebrew, or Mandarin.
One copy of “War and Peace” in the description field was OK, but the second crashed it.
What if you rotate the screen/turn on airplane mode/get a text/drop the phone into the toilet from ten feet up?
The app doesn’t handle itself well if you delete its database after you log in.
Ooh, I haven’t seen it do that before! Wonder if it’ll do it again?
Can’t stop, I saw a bug and I’m trying to find it again.

(From a QA friend) There you are, you little sh*t! I have you now!

Words to a new software QA

We’re not after the developers. We’re after their code. It’s not personal.

If they didn’t want us to find the bug, they shouldn’t have written it in the first place.

QA starts with the requirements, if those are vague, the result will not be what the customer wants.

Not finding a bug does not prove there are no bugs. It proves you didn’t find one right there, at that particular planetary alignment with that precise set of system and environment and time of day and test data.

There is always a bug somewhere.

Learn how to program in the language your developers use. Also learn SQL (Structured Query Language), HTML, CSS, and any other acronyms you hear often.

Your developers are an amazing resource and are usually very helpful when presented with a "Can you please help me…" request.

Keep learning. There is always a new language, or tool, or technique, or platform, or environment, or program.

Get up and walk around often. Drinking large amounts of water will help this. Give your eyes a rest from the screen and go talk to your team.