The Feline Alarm Unit

Thank you for purchasing a Feline alarm unit, the natural way to wake up. You will enjoy years of service from your unit. Please note that feline alarms are designed to be used in the home, they are not recommended for use on trains, buses or airplanes.

Contents: One (1) Feline alarm unit

Model: Male, orange fur, with claws.

Serial number: Tangle

Alarm type: Chirp and purr. Alarm may resort to other methods if ignored, including, but not limited to, patting your nose, licking your hair, and standing on your throat.

Warning: contents may shift in transit.

cat.

Instructions for use:

Provide fresh food and water daily, first thing in the morning. Litter box duties may be performed by yourself or others (we are not responsibly for the results if litter box is not cleaned). Unit will bond with its feeder and be ready for alarm duties within three weeks. Periodically brush the unit and clip its claws (for your own safety).

One to two hours before normal feeding time, the alarm unit will make its way to your bedroom and sit on the end of the bed. As feeding time approaches, the unit will make its way up the bed until it is lying on the pillow. The alarm will attempt to snuggle close to you, often waking you in the process. All alarm units are bred to be natural fidgets and will change position at least twice a minute.

If you remain asleep, the alarm will start to purr in your ear, which may provoke dreams of building demolitions, pneumatic drills, and air raid sirens. This is enough to wake many light sleepers, though will not have much effect on those with snoring spouses.

The alarm unit will then try climbing on the pillow and licking your hair, a sensation disturbing enough to rouse the soundest sleeper, even if only to pushing the unit off the bed. Alarm units thus expelled will immediately make their way back onto the bed, perch on your chest and start chirping piteously. The sound is that of an animal feeling terribly abused and neglected, and does not depend on how much food remains in the bowl downstairs, or how the animal has been treated. Tests have shown that people can withstand the piteous chirp for no more than twenty minutes, thus ensuring a timely start to your day.