Things Customer Service people would like you to remember before you call them:
Chill out, be polite, it’ll all get fixed just fine.
If we sold your account to another company, I have no idea what’s going on with it. I can’t go check another company’s system, you’ll have to call them and ask. I can’t look up your account under another company’s account number.
Saying "why did you send me this letter?" doesn’t help much. I can’t see the letter through the phone.
I am not all-knowing. I don’t know what programs or products our competitors offer, please don’t assume that I do know and I’m being deliberately obstructive by not telling you. You have to research the alternatives if you don’t like our product.
I don’t have your file on my desk, I have to go fetch it. My desk isn’t big enough for all of the files in the company.
It helps a lot if you know your account number and don’t throw a hissy fit when asked for your social security number and some verification information.
It helps a lot if you don’t throw a hissy fit at all.
If it’s not your account, I can’t tell you about it without permission from the owner. Even if you’re married to the owner and you throw a hissy fit.
I didn’t personally mess up your account out of spite.
Please don’t call me "muffin lady," even if I have made your day by fixing your account.
I’m not psychic. Saying "there’s something wrong with my account" isn’t terribly informative.
I probably didn’t talk to you last time you called, and even if I did, it’s unlikely I’ll remember you or what we talked about, unless you did something memorable like throw a hissy fit.
Throwing a hissy fit isn’t very productive. You can accomplish a lot more by saying "I’m really upset about this, can I talk to your manager?"
Sometimes my manager isn’t available and you’ll get their voicemail. This is not the end of the world.
Some things we need in writing, that’s the policy. Getting angry won’t change that.
If I put you on hold, please don’t call everyone else on your other lines. Talking to three people at the same time is a little excessive, and they’ll probably have to put you on hold too.
Saying "thank you" makes my day.